Now that Memorial Day has came and went, it's almost a certainty that by now the niggas who haven't got rid of their girl because of her going to Miami are scrambling around like Randall Cunningham trying to find a way to end cuffing season. Year after year chicks are fired, laid off, or whatever term you prefer to use when referring to the dismissal of your winter time slice. Yet niggas still haven't mastered the art of the break up. C'mon bruh you been canceling shorties like HBO after the free subscription for years and you still ain't got the kinks worked out. Shame. On. You. B.
I feel obliged to enlighten niggas on some of the various ways that you can get rid of ya piece and sustain little to no damage to your personal belongings. Now real niggas will appreciate this free advice and bitch niggas will find a way to criticize my efforts to help niggas fuck bad tropical looking bitches till the hoop courts take the nets down bruh. Which one are you?
THE TEXT- If you're dealing with an emotional girl this is the way to go about it. Cause the moment she start leaking those salty tears of hurt there's an 88% chance that you'll renig and before you know it you'll find yourself taking pictures in Walmart next to the nail salon with a pitiful back drop. You may also be wearing matching colors as well.
TEll A FRIEND- This method is when you've actually grown fond of her and generated some feelings that won't allow you to give her the bad news in person. I mean you do care deeply for her but hey, nothing is gonna stop you from showing up to the wave pool in a beater and some slightly unlaced foams prowling for young hoes like a wolf does a flock of lamb. Naw not this summer
FACEBOOK STATUS- You simply log onto Facebook and Harlem shake right to the settings and change your status from in a relationship to doing me. Now I know that's not an option but when she sees single as your status she automaticity knows that you're doing you. If she's smart she'll take the hint and keep it moving.
HALLMARK CARD- Buy her that expensive ass card that says CAN $6.99 US $5.99 on the back and has all types of wrapping paper around it and use a fancy ass pen to tell her that you need some time apart. Make sure you hit her with the "it's me not you" line as well. It's an all time classic.
THE VOICEMAIL- Call her phone when you know damn well she can't answer it. Ex: she's sleep, working, or drunk in the club with her friends. (hoes love wine). When that answering machine comes on just tell her it's over but say it like you're having a hard time with it as well. Don't seem over joyous.
Now those first 5 examples were ways to do it without physically being around the person. They may seem like a cowards way out but it's to ensure you that she will not cause you bodily harm or damage your ride in any fashion. These next 5 will be the in person methods.
DRUNK- Make sure you're at a public establishment. Get about 10 shots of Ciroc pumping through your veins and spin that bar stool around and just tell her straight up, "bitch it's over." While you're wiping the drink off your face that she threw on you just say to her real calmly "bitch I'll kill you" and I'm sure that will solidify the break up
BLAME GAME- Be patient and just wait for her to do the slightest thing you don't like and then just start running off a laundry list of things she does wrong and once you get mad hype just be like "you know what I'm tired of this shit, It's over, I deserve to be happy." This method leaves her explaining to her girls that y'all broke up cause she dvr'd the heat game but not in high def.
THE ARGUMENT- Get into it with her about something petty and just leave the house in rage. Instead of coming back and making things right like you always do just stay out all night until the sun comes up and waltz in the house like ain't shit happened. When she questions you just tell her "I'm a grown man, I'll come and go as I please". I'm pretty sure that leads to a break up withing 12 hours.
FAKE SINGLE- This is where you do stuff that a single man would do even though you're in a relationship. Ex: DM every dope chick on ya timeline with uncut thirst, flirt with chicks right in those mentions, exchange numbers with females via inbox, last but not least fuck other hoes as much as you can. Once word spreads about your hoeish ways she'll leave you. Mission complete.
HONESTY- This one is only for a select few. This one is for the nigga who has lost all his fucks and hasn't budged and inch to get up and seek any to give either. This is for the nigga who has zero chill in his body and doesn't think twice about what he's saying to her. The nigga that most likely will end up rumbling her brother or uncle cause he got wild flagrant with her towards the end. This is only for a nigga like ME. You other niggas need not try this one bruh.
Trust me I'm saving you that ill stress that comes with that honesty shit. Just lie to her and save face.
Now that I've blessed you dudes with some of my infinite wisdom I'd expect to start seeing alot more of those @iRespectFemales tweets being RT'd on to my timeline with wreck-less abandon. I'm a need niggas to start blasting shorties with the #WhoHurtYou hash tag at a record pace. I expect to see a timeline full of hurt filled tweets and nothing but romantic struggle gracing my twitter account daily. If this doesn't happen then I can assume that niggas got that appointment for those picture coming up real soon bruh. If I start seeing twitcons with niggas looking cuffed and proof stamped across niggas grills I will enter ya mentions with toxic levels of slander.
Written by The Veteran (@I_WhiteMike)
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