Now that I got that out the way, back to business.
Fellas I've never put my hands on a woman before but there have been times that a bitch has done some shit that would have got her skull cracked if I was a nigga who was raised by my grandma and addressed my mom by her government handle. I was raised a little better so therefore she remained unscathed. In this Blog I will give u examples of things she can do to warrant a domestic altercation.
1. If every inch of your dick is buried in her womb and she is scratching the shit outta ya back and as soon as she bust that nut she screams in the most passionate reenactment of Halle berry in monsters ball, but says another niggas name. You have the right to immediately thrust ya forearm into her throat and apply intense pressure until that bitch blacks out.
2. If she is texting someone all the time and her phone is showing a females name when the alert comes through but it's not any of her friends that she verbally communicates with daily. Then that's a nigga she's texting and my advice to you would be to look her in her eyes real lustfully and get her close like you're gonna kiss her than E Honda head butt the fuck outta her as you give that bitches cheek an Indian burn.
3. If at any time y'all are in public and she sees a guy and right in front of your face she says to him "hey stranger, how you been." Its almost a guaranteed fist to cuffs moment with that bold slice of estrogen (@E_Trell voice) but you have to maintain your discipline and wait till later in the privacy of your home cause niggas don't need them police in ya business. You gotta remain vigilant throughout the evening cause she just waved her boxed to a nigga with that Trey Songz appeal, so a scraping is definitely in order.
4. Speaking of Trey Songz, if your significant other is having a full blown all out tweet convo with any celeb that often brings the moisture to the panties of women worldwide. It's cool if you decide to hook up the Sega Genesis and follow these steps. First, put in Street Fighter 2 then select random opponent and once the CPU selects a character, feel free to use all his or her moves on that bitch right in y'all livingroom. Just move the coffee table first. You dont wanna be limited to what moves you can do.
5. At no time and I repeat at no time shall you allow your woman to call your mom a bitch especially in front of her. If she decides to use her first amendment right to freely speak crazy to ya moms it then becomes legal to act out the part of Fast and the Furious when Vin Diesel snapped on Johnny tran. That's just that
6. I don't care if y'all have the best or the worst relationship, if she says "y'all need to talk", you need to just assume she fucked your friend and that's an automatic technical foul. Without asking one question just lace up those timbs you use to cut grass and wash the ride up with and immediately begin to Gregory Heinz all that bitches face till she look like Martin did in the boxing episode.
7. If she got a password lock on her phone you need to be curious. I know the ladies are gonna say "y'all be doing that". Yeah well we talking bout yall bitch, now chill the fuck out. Anyways if she has the lock on the phone and sleeps with blue jeans on and the phone in her front pocket on silent. Just go in the livingroom and take 5-10 minutes to stretch and then proceed back into the bedroom, climb up on the dresser and leap to glory with a flying elbow. Then following that ask that bitch "if she smells what the Rock is cooking." Don't feel bad about it, Trust me she deserved that, God still loves you bro.
8. Every real nigga knows his woman's fit. Meaning that they know how that pussy feels when he's up in it, real niggas know when that fit has been tampered with. So if your all up in something and it just don't feel like home court advantage anymore, just go ahead and finish up and shower then run to the nearest dicks sporting goods store and grab you the most powerful air rifle they supply. Come home and drop a whole co2 cartridge on that hoe till she look like she got malaria all in the face. I bet she keeps that box under lock and key from that point on.
9. If you happen to step out and break your vow of monogamy with her and grab you up a little side piece and she finds out, you can expect her to be somewhat upset. But if she decides to damage your personal property and act like there ain't no repercussions then you just have to prove her wrong. If you come home and ya couch looks like @PRETTYBRITTY412 was there then feel free to drop the clip out the ratchet like Cane did on Menace and do her like he did Faggot ass Chauncey. No jury will find you guilty. Have. No. Worries.
10. This is the one that I think even a well raised respectable man such as myself would have to break down and Mayweather a bitch face about. If y'all are deeply in love and that's your queen who you love dearly and 6 years after the birth of yall child you find out that your 99.999% not the father. You have every right in the world to run that bitch over with an SUV and force a hot curling iron in her vaginal cavity until she remembers she got into a relationship with a real nigga who's bout that Oj Simpson/Ray Carruth life.
Now that I broke y'all off with these helpful hints to help you avoid such situations I hope that I don't see any tweets like this
"See that niggas crazy and my brothers is gonna fuck him up HOMIES"
"Who he think he putting his hands on me in front of my babies"
Lmao.
On a side note shout out to @TheRapture_ cause he was recently voted the thirstiest nigga to roam these filthy streets of Twitter. Way to go bro. So ladies if you appreciate thirst all in ya DM's follow him.
Oh yea I almost forgot
Disclaimer: In no way do I condone domestic violence. This is soley for comedic purposes and to bring a smile to the faces of people who are going through something right now.
Follow the team myself @I_WhiteMike @gritscapone @E_TRELL and @Rell_Mac
Written by The Veteran (@I_WhiteMike)
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