Wave Pool Rules 101

Let me start off by apologizing for not dropping a blog last week but I was riding my motorcycle up and down Interstate 376 at life threatening speeds. So if I was riding my bike you know that the weather was breaking and you know what that means *Sit and waits as you ponder on all of the ignorant ass shit you’re going to do come summer* but if you said the wave pool opening back up you would be correct.

In the Pittsburgh, Pa area we have 2 wave pools. One is coon free and promotes healthy clean fun and the other is a well know WorldStar Hip-Hop filming location, that's the one I prefer more frequent. Anyway, each pool has rules you need to adhere to and you can find them below.

The rules for the safe wave pool don't exist. You just need to make sure you bask in the ripening sun with your significant other while enjoying the crisp breeze as you comfortably wear above the knees cut khaki shorts and Sperry boat shoes. Also enjoy the children playing while you feed each other grapes and eat homemade sandwiches from the picnic basket you brought with you.

Now the rules for the pool that is secretly endorsed by Section 8 are far more detailed

1. Fellas, please stop at your  local Walgreens and purchase the economy size container of self respect before you decide to show up to the pool and get in wearing your t shirt and or wife beater. We know you’re fat as fuck but hey ladies love confidence.

2. Ladies, I'm going to need you to Nair the fuck out of that crease between your love box and thighs. Cause if we notice that it looks like the back of forest Whitaker's neck you will automatically be sacrificed to the gods of the wave pool with an unwanted shove into the deep end. Lace front and all!!

3. Fellas, I know you’re super fucking tough on the Internet but it would behoove (look it up) you to not start a real life beef with niggas on Twitter, and then skip your black ass down to the pool. I say this because niggas will let the toast ring out at you in broad day, 3-4 ft away from where the kids play.

4. Ladies, Please don't show up to the pool wearing a two piece bikini with your stomach looking like a trash bag full of gold fish. Go put on a jogging suit or some shit, niggas are trying to see a 4 pack not that shit.

5. Fellas, if you’re not a good swimmer please stay your monkey ass out of the deep end. Nothing screams "I'm a fucking faggot" more than having that 20 some year old Hollister model looking lifeguard have to rescue you cause you was choking on water son.

6. Ladies, if you plan on having a guy ask you on a date opposed to him just asking you to come chill at his house then you need to stay as far away from the food court as possible. Once you've decided to eat the hot dogs from the wave pool you ultimately just stamped "damaged goods" on your forehead. That food is delivered from the county work release culinary unit.

7. Fellas, the wave pool is meant for us to swim, cool off, have fun and possibly recruit some new summer time lovins. But now you niggas wanna be all in the shallow splashing young hoes with water while you wear every piece of damn jewelry you own. Looking like Slick Rick at a video shoot.

8. Ladies, I know you’re trying to support your local custom jewelry girl but please do not show up wearing 300 dollars worth of that bullshit them hoes be selling on Twitter and Instagram. It needs to be worn in moderation.

I was going to give y'all an even 10 rules but I figure you niggas won't listen anyways so I'm dropping this last rule and this rule is very important so pay close attention.

FINAL RULE

Please do not bring any of that fuckery from wave pool B to wave pool A. That's where I take my daughter to swim when she wants to enjoy the fresh air and some cool waves. Don't fuck that up for her or anyone elses kids

Please follow these rules or niggas like me will be forced to @ you on Twitter and/or jump in your real life mentions and you really don’t want that. I'm giving you niggas a good amount of time to tattoo these rules on your brain and to get your shit together. If you have a bad memory feel free to print these rules out and put them in your wallet because us niggas with health insurance and full time jobs have zero time for niggas that do not own chill.

Follow me @I_WhiteMike and my G @Rell_Mac

See y’all at the pool

Written by @I_WhiteMike